How many people designated drivers tonight?
Three people
Two thousand people are staring at me like
Why get drunk if you ain't gonna drive?
That's half the fun of being plowed
See all those headlights coming at you
Trying to figure out which two's the real ones
And I'm not making fun of this program
I think it's a great idea
You know, 'cause anything is safer than the way we used to do it
"Hey dude, get up, give us a ride home, man
Come on, what you say, we'll buy you a beer
Come on, what you say?"
The only problem with the designated driver program
It's not the world's most desirable job
'Cause if you think about it
Basically you're babysitting people
Whose biggest ambition is to pee in the parking lot
But if you ever get talked into doing it
Have fun with the group
Like at the end of the night
Drop 'em off at the wrong damn house
Preferably in their boss's front yard or something
"Where the hell are my flamingos?"
You can make money on 'em
Drunks will give you money for anything
What you do, cram as many of 'em as you can fit into your car
On the way home, stop at every gas station you come to
Get out, pretend like you're putting gas in the car
Make them pay for a full dang tank
You make four or five hundred dollars in a ten mile stretch
"Dang Bill, the mileage on this thing sucks"
Too many of you know what I'm talking about
Just please don't drink and drive, it's not funny
And I've known it all my life
I was a kid, I was riding on the front seat of the car with my dad
And he had been drinking beer all day
And we got pulled over by the highway patrol
The officer walked up to my dad's window and he went
"Excuse me there, sir, could I see your license please?
No sir, I don't need a cold beer
I don't think you do either
Mr. Foxworthy, do you know why I pulled you over, sir?
Well, it concerns that vehicle you're pulling behind you
No sir, it's not against the law to tow a boat
But we do require you put it on a trailer
Could you ask your friends to get out of the boat please, sir?
No sir, I don't give a damn if the fish are biting
Could you ask your friends to get out of the boat?
Hell, you dropped your skier about a mile back back there"
So please don't drink and drive
Don't drink and hunt either
I've got a lot of relatives good at that
A few years ago my Uncle Jack shot my cousin Ricky
Said he thought he was a deer
Poor old Rick just backing the car out of the driveway
That's what you get for driving a brown car
With a white license plate and a luggage rack
Those luggage racks look just like antlers from a bathroom window
They really do
Women don't like anything from a taxidermist
Think about that
You never see deer heads in dress shops
But there's a balance here
'Cause if there weren't women
There'd be a lot of guys with apartments full of dead stuffed animals
Just showing 'em off to each other
"Come on in here, George, look at these
That there's a white-tailed deer, a mallard duck, and a Siamese cat
Had to run off the road to hit him, there quick"
Did somebody get upset over here?
It's a joke
I have two cats
One on either side of the fireplace
You guys have been terrific
God bless you, thank you for coming out
Thank you very much
